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Sharpens your pencils with a "meow"

It gets up your nose

This one does not "meow"

Trim away Pinocchio's nose each time he tells a lie

Too many of these will constitute a plague

How many times before have you told off your dog
for drinking from the toilet bowl?

Do you give eeffoc?

Big or small cuppa, we've got it covered

Gives you that sinking feeling

Looks like the oldest drinking vessel in the world

Woof!

For when you feel like sitting on a pizza

Too many cooks . . . .

He means bone-in ribsteak

Inferiority complex

Yes, but I cleaned the toilet with it before you
 

Heavily discounted . . . . 
Actually, we are giving this one away for free

Arse licker

Not house-trained yet

Comes with a full set of nuts and bolts for you to screw together

Peeping Tom decal

Executive toilet

Never run out of toilet roll ever again . . . .
Either that, or you have a huge arse

He holds bottoms up

Just don't scratch your arse with these on or
else you will become a Claude Bottom

Loch Ness monster in your soup

Utensil people

Guaranteed to be near misses all the time